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I’m not gonna lie.  I was happy to kick 2018 to the curb.  The very best thing of 2018 was taking our kids to CT and NYC to spend time with family and show them one of my absolute favorite places on Earth.  The place where my soul feels truly alive.  The only others that make me truly feel that way are Amsterdam and Ireland. But really, 2018 was just a year that seemed to continue the shitshow of events in our lives that culminated with me battling depression and raising my hands to the universe and shaking my fists with “enough already.  ENOUGH.” 

So, 2018 is in its rightful place of yesterday.  Today I’m focused on today and what a brand new page of a 365 page book really means.  I’m going to write a good one.  I’m promising myself that.  

Somewhere along the way I lost my spunk and gumption. Two things I’ve always loved the most about myself.  If you told me I couldn’t do something, I made damn well sure you saw that I could. I made goals. I surpassed them. I didn’t limit myself.  I believed in myself.  Somewhere along the way in the last 7 years, I lost that.  It could have been the lawsuit that pretty much destroyed my career – because it pretty much destroyed me – in ways I didn’t even realize until recently.  It could have been the loss of my father in law and all that came after.  Perhaps it was my husband’s health issues and all the surgeries that came along with them. Maybe it was my son’s concussion.  Or my other son’s endocrine issues.  The deaths in my circle of family and friends. My depression.  My depression.   Likely it was a perfect storm of all of these things – constantly trying to keep the plates spinning with a smile on my face but a spirit that was broken.  

I miss my spirit and my gumption. I’m determined to get them back.  I’m no longer going to live in fear of what might happen or what people think.  Fear has driven so much of my life the last few years.  I wrote several years ago about the other F word – fear.  I haven’t followed my words from that piece.  I’ve let others get in my space and my head when they have no right to be there. I’ve led myself to believe that I was no longer good at the things I’m good at.  And while I’ve grown in a lot of ways – being present for one – especially with my kids – I still have a lot of growing to do.  

So, I made a promise to myself that I will not break this year.  I’m going to write more.  I’m going to post here every day.  Some days it might just be a line. Some days a summary of my thoughts that day.  Maybe a longer piece here and there.  But I’m going to write. And I hope that if I start to break this promise to myself, you will call me out on it. 

I’m going to read more and Netflix binge less.  I used to read several books a week – I have shelves of books in my home and all of them tell a story – their own and where I was in my journey when I read them. I miss reading. So, I joined a book group and I’m going to read. I’m determined to make my sons, who at 7 haven’t yet found what they love to read, into readers as well.  Open to any and all tips in that regard.  

I’m going to work my skincare business that I started as a side business to give me supplemental income and time to write (I have made the promise to myself to write more for years – I’m tired of not giving myself that gift).   I’m not teaching full time and without my law practice one of the hardest adjustments I’ve had to make is not having my own stream of income. Yes, I’m married and I have my husband’s income, but it’s different.  I’ve never been this fully dependent on anyone (well since I was a kid and dependent on my parents) – and I admit I miss having my own income. Not only because it allowed me to not think about spending money on mani-pedis or a splurge at a clothing or kitchen or book store, but because I enjoyed taking that stress of being the “sole provider” off my husband.  I’m busier as a stay at home mom than I was when I had my law practice – just in different ways. The goal of joining some friends with my side business was to be present and earn income. It also gives me a sense of community because I’m surrounded by the best women I know.  But I also felt like a failure.  Lawyer to skincare? Again, worried about what other people would think.  Not about what I need or how I feel.  So, this year I go all in. I stop apologizing for choices I’ve made. 

Last, I’m going to continue to be present – with my children, my husband and the other people I love and enjoy.  That is the one thing I did pretty well this year.  I put the phone down and really talked to my kids.  And listened. And played.  Time goes so fast.  There have been so many events and distractions in our boys’ first years on Earth – and sometimes I feel like  I’ve missed so much because of them – that I want to drink up this time when they still actually want to be with me and share with me. 

So, write more, read more, stop apologizing for my choices, focus on my business, be present for my family and myself  and find that spirit and gumption again. 

Year 2019. Let’s link arms and chase our dreams together. Today I can say I know I deserve that.  

So, here’s to all of us who shoveled all that shit so we could finally find the pony. 

What are your goals or dreams for this year? I’d love to hear them. 

Thanks for reading and being a part of my journey.  Happy New Year.  Happy New Me and You.  

4 thoughts on “Page 1

  1. I so relate. After six years of adjusting to my new life after my husbands suicide, battling grief and depression and raising two boys I am ready to commit to my writing, creating community with positive women and continue to live my life to the fullest. I’ve been playing small with my writing and I am done with it. I joined a 3 month master class to help me find my focus and have committed to writing every day. I’m a writer. Owning it. Cheering you on and look forward to reading your work.

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I’m looking forward to seeing your work too! My heart breaks that you know the pain of Suicide and I commend you for being upright, let alone raising children. Sending lots of love your way.

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