*** I swear this was written on Day 2, even though I crashed putting the kids to bed (lovely sore back after being crammed in the twin bed with my son and dog) and woke up at 1:30 am on Day 3 and am now posting at 2:20 am.
I honestly don’t have any idea what to write. Of course I want all my words to be profound and for people to be touched by them, but I’ve never actually followed through on my commitment to write daily since my first husband died by suicide in 2002. I’m worried that nothing I write will be touching or relatable – so the negative voice inside me says to just forget it. But I won’t let myself down anymore by denying myself the outlet that has always made me feel the most myself.
Before my husband died, I journaled – daily – so words were always there for me, but something shifted when my husband died. I think, on top of it being grief that kept me from writing, it was also self punishment. Writing always brought me comfort. For whatever reason, in the wake of the suicide, I didn’t feel I deserved that comfort. I blamed myself for my husband being alone in his final days. I blamed myself for his death. So of course it made sense to inflict something painful on myself – withholding the one thing that brought me comfort, helped me sort through my feelings and helped me make sense of things.
So, with that said, I’m greasing the wheels and hoping this daily commitment will help the words come again. And will help me LET the words come- without worrying about them being perfect or life altering or Nobel or Pulitzer Prize worthy (but that certainly would be nice, wouldn’t it?).
So today, this is what I have. And that has to be enough. For now at least.
Thanks for reading and keeping me accountable.